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April

4/6/2018

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I recently came across this quote over facebook that really hit me & made me think. “In the wake of a violent or traumatic experience, we’re left to struggle with some of life’s toughest questions: Will this thing that happened always define me, or will I redefine myself with the choices I make?” -Elizabeth Smart


As many of you know a couple years ago I shared my personal story of sexual assault. I didn’t share for pity or attention, but for awareness & hope for others who may be struggling with something similar and to let them know they aren’t alone and that there are programs & people who can help them heal. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and when I ran across that quote by Elizabeth Smart I started thinking of my own personal experience and everything I’ve learned, gained and experienced since then.


About 3 1/2 years ago in Hawaii I was brutally raped and left alone in the sand. Months later after sharing my story I had many people come to me sharing their stories of sexual assault and seeking help & it’s truly heartbreaking to know that sexual assault happens so often and so many people say nothing because of fear. Fear because of who our attacker was, fear of what others would think or do, fear simply because the situation was so overwhelming that maybe, like me, you didn’t even know what to do or think because it felt so unrealistic, but I am here to tell you whether it was a complete stranger, friend, family member, or public authority you should never feel like you can’t share because of who did it and what happened. You should never let fear of religion or embarrassment play into keeping what happened to you a secret. Don’t believe the lies that you have nobody who would care and listen or that it was your fault, because I’m here to tell you someone does care & there are outreach programs & communities of survivors that care about you and WANT to help you heal and grow. YOU should talk to your family or friends so that you’re able to get the help you need and realize that you are SO MUCH MORE than what happened to you and you are worthy and strong enough to tell someone and get the help you need rather than let fear manipulate & make you feel worthless to the point of it consuming your life and negatively affecting you. I didn’t tell anyone about being sexually abused for months afterwards and I caused myself so much more pain and problems physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Don’t wait to seek help, help is there for you waiting to be utilized, you just have to tell someone! That step alone is already huge and SO worth it! So don’t be silent, speak out and begin your healing process. (If you don’t know where to begin just message me and I can help you!)


The thing that I loved the most about what Smart said was that we can let what happened to us define us or we can redefine ourselves by the choices we make. Isn’t that so amazing and SO true? Anything that has happened to us in life whether it be the mistakes we’ve made ourselves or things that have happened to us we still have the CHOICE, the choice to let our past define us or not. Too many times as people we let the negativity of our experiences get the best of us and we wallow in self pity or we lash out against the person/thing who did us harm and hold grudges that come with constant pain and we end up in this cycle of pity and misery. But at that point in your life it’s not your attacker or others who made you miserable it’s YOURSELF! You are the only person responsible for your happiness, no matter what you’ve done or what others have done to you, nobody can make you happy but yourself because happiness is a choice. Like Thomas S. Monson once said, “You don’t find the happy life, you make it”.


This past summer I had the opportunity to attend a very heavy and deep week long program that focused on traumatic events & healing. I cried every day during almost every session and opened up about things that triggered or haunted me, but I learned coping mechanisms and most importantly I learned how to let it go and not let what happened to me affect my thoughts, dreams and every day task. My biggest outlook that therapist helped me realize was that I always mentioned how “my virginity was stolen from me.” I was embarrassed and ashamed and so mad that someone else made me feel worthless in my own body and “took” something away from me that I was one day saving for my husband. I never realized that I didn’t “lose my virginity”, giving that away would be me giving consent to the actions of my abuser and I didn’t. I realized that I was letting what someone else did to me define myself and worth. I was mad that someone stole something from me that I had all along. I will never let what he did define me & it’s important as survivors neither do any of us. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but it’s important you know that nothing about what happened to you makes you less of a person or “unworthy”. That’s something I struggled the most with, believing I’m enough for anything in life, because my personal experience made me feel otherwise, but coming to terms with that truth really helped me heal. I didn’t consent to anything, therefore he did not take anything away from me.
As I’ve worked through this and other personal issues my defining moment was realizing I had the power of letting all of it go. Letting him and his actions go, no matter how much pain they had caused me. One of the biggest tools that has helped me heal is forgiveness. Forgiving myself and eventually forgiving my attacker and knowing 100% that he no longer has that hold on me. I didn’t forgive him because of religious reasons or for him to be happy, but I forgave him for myself. I Forgave him so he no longer has any room in my heart for pain or sadness. So I’m not angry or bitter. I forgave him so I could realize he didn’t take anything from me because I didn’t give him anything and knowing that gives me peace. He is not in control of my happiness, what he did does not define me.


Every day we have the choice to make the best out of our circumstances. I’m here to let you know that no matter what happened to you, you can make the choices today to redefine yourself, no matter how hard it may seem. I want to let other survivors of sexual assault know you are not alone & that what happened to you was NOT your fault! You are still whole, beautiful and so much stronger than what happened to you. God loves you & knows your heart, He knows your pain and knows of your divinity. If you let Him, along with professional help & the love from your family and friends, healing is there and SO possible. One day those negative feelings of despair will be feelings of love and gratitude knowing that at such a dark time you were able to seek hope, happiness and peace when it felt impossible and YOU did that for yourself! Don’t blame others for your choices or happiness and don’t let what others have done or maybe what you’ve done yourself ever define you. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real and so powerful in more ways than one. It’s open to everyone, you just have to put in the work to heal in whatever circumstance you’re in. You CAN forgive yourself and what others have done no matter how traumatic or bad it is. You CAN live a happy life. You CAN overcome hard things & you ARE important no matter how painful the situations we may be going through at the moment make us feel. Choose to be happy & spread that love to others. Don’t let the “Me Too” trend start and stop at posting that as your status, if we want to change the world we must be the change. If you want to change your circumstances you have to be willing to put in the work and time TO CHANGE. Seek help for change. Put in work for change. Don’t just say “Me too” and think that now society is different and you won’t be hurt again or your past experiences will be gone. You have to educate yourself and others on how they can make that change. Use the tools that are there for you to utilize to help you heal and grow. You can ask me or even look on the internet for support groups or free counseling if you can’t afford it yourself. Knowledge is power, educate yourself and others. By doing those small and simple things you’re already making a positive difference in your own life as well as others.


It’s important to realize you do not have control of others actions. If you focus on revenge or what other people may or may not deserve or how others should’ve handled a situation you will only make yourself more miserable. You can’t make choices or decisions for others. You can only choose for yourself. Stop worrying about where others are in life or what they’ve done that wronged you. Focus on yourself and God. Focus on the choices you have that you get to make. Focus on what YOU can control. You can control your happiness and your thoughts. You control your outlook on your journey in life and what you decide to do next is where our redefining begins. You are worth it & you are important no matter what you’ve done or what was done to you. Of course none of us are perfect, but trying to be better in the aspects of our lives that we CAN control will help us heal and grow in ways we never imagined. It is possible to be and live a happy life despite the traumatic events we experience in life. I’m so grateful for all the good and bad I’ve been through for the simple fact of the way it’s shaped me today. The Saviors Grace means so much to me & so does the power of forgiveness than I could ever explain to others. I love the gift of forgiveness, because it’s enabled me to live my true and authentic life by letting go of things I cannot control and choosing to be happy despite my circumstances. I so believe everything happens for a reason and that what matters most is Gods opinion of you. He loves you no matter what you’ve done or what was done to you. Focus on His unconditional love for you, seek help if you need it and learn how forgiveness can help you heal in anything in life. There is hope and light in life you just have to choose to see it.
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2017

1/10/2017

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Being vulnerable is such a hard thing to do. I get scared before I share personal things about my life with people on social media. Sometimes it seems like people are more curious about your life then they actually care & then sharing your message was worthless. Its meant to change or help another's life, not let it be something others can make fun of or gossip about. Nonetheless, here I am writing towards audiences that may take these experiences of mine & judge me critically or use them and laugh, but if there's someone out there that actually likes them or sees it helps or give them peace when they are lost or confused, then these are for you.


2016 was definitely a year of complete struggle for me. Of course there were lots & lots of good memories, but it was definitely a year of fighting for who I was as a person and fighting for what made certain things ME. I hate being weak & I hate when my past comes back to make me insecure and I hate when I let it back in & lose sight of who I am physically and mentally, but also emotionally and spiritually.


After sharing a very personal experience in 2015 on my blog, I felt very strong! Spiritually strong to conquer any trial and I was at my best physique too! I was super fit, exercising and eating health daily and going to school! I fell in love with a boy who is now my best friend & I felt like I was able to conquer & be anything! As 2016 rolled around one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life happened. I had never felt a betrayal like this in my whole life and it's embarrassing to say but I completely let myself go. It's so hard for me to finish through with things I've started once I hit a wall. My mindset weakens & I begin to doubt myself & want something easier because the wall is too hard to climb or is really new to me. After everything I learned in 2015, I just kinda left it there and gave up the following year when times got hard. Even though I learned SO many great things, once I felt betrayed by love again I quit building on everything good I started the year before. I was once again SO inconsistent with everything! Instead of losing weight like I did my freshman year in college I was gaining it like CRAZY! When I look back at pictures of myself, I'm embarrassed I ever let myself get to that point. The point of being so insecure I hid myself from those I loved and from who I was as a person & I definitely lost sight of my end goal. I made lots of excuses for myself & blamed my trials for making me unsuccessful. Not only were my nightmares from my rape constantly haunting me nigtly, but I let my past haunt me with my relationship & it felt like the reason I wasn't good enough in my relationship with Quinn was because I was raped! What a total
lie I told myself, that I let Satan let ME believe! Last year I struggled & after being so low & eating my problems away, I decided I hated how I felt and I wanted to change. So here I am today, here I am starting over every day and learning to get back up even when it's hard. Even though I already had the answers before, I found a new passion to help me grow and become more successful. I've found things I am growing in as a person, but things I'm also super passionate about that I love that can always help change others lives as well as my own!



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Happy Birthday Gabe

4/9/2016

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I often get asked the story behind my pink bracelet. The little kids I nanny who always want to wear it to new friends I meet. I simply smile (my heart aches a little) & gladly I get to explain its meaning. It's hard for people to see because I've constantly been wearing the same one for the past 4 yrs, but although the printing on the bracelet has faded, the memory of the boy has stayed the same in my heart. Gabe has such a special meaning to so many in this world. To the most genuine & sweetest family he is a son and brother, a cousin or grandson & nephew. To others he's a friend, a class mate, a neighborhood boy, someone's student and someone else's leader & to me Gabe has been MY HOPE. To the moment he said good bye to me & I was left alone in the E.R by myself, to the day I watched my father walk out the door w/his suit case from my home. The day my parents got divorced & the long nights of packing up from my beautiful Farmington home to the time I laid crying in the sand scared to death after I was raped. This bracelet has literally been there with me through it all. The boy behind the bracelet is the one who gave me hope to keep going through it all. A couple months ago I really struggled with my testimony. I truly questioned where I stood in the eyes of God because I couldn't see where I stood in my own. I remember talking to a sweet friend who asked me if I truly thought the Church was true, if I really believed in a God. Tears fell from my eyes & I looked down at my wrist, my "Gabe" bracelet was there staring back at me & with a sincere heart I said, yes. Yes, because I cannot deny the power of the Gospel. The Gospel that brings me the comfort & joy in knowing I will see Gabe again. The testimony Gabe brought to me the night he left this earth nearly 4 yrs ago is the same testimony that has carried me through some tough times in this crazy life. Gabe has literally been the light & hope for me when I have felt that I can endure no longer. Knowing he's been there to push me along & remind me of my Savior's love & how there's so much more waiting for me after this life has brought me much peace. Happy Birthday to the boy whose life has changed my own💕

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My Defining Moment

10/4/2015

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"Commitment is not the act of losing your freedom; but exercising it to choose who you want to give your most valuable gifts to;

Your time, your emotions, and your heart.

Sorry, you'll never find the perfect person. But, you will find the right person, once you realize that the two of you don't have to be the same. "

    My defining moment -

           I never quite understood the "mushy" post, the gross PDA, the giving up of ALL your spare time for that "significant" other. Or the part in the movies where the girl goes back to the dumb guy & everyone in the audience is thinking how stupid she is. I've never been one to actually be open to a real relationship or having to depend on someone else. In high school I was constantly liking someone I knew would never like me back just because that way I knew the outcome, I knew what I was getting into. I was sure of the future and I didn't have to worry about what would happen next. Or I dated a guy I didn't really like so it made for an easy good bye. I never truly gave my heart to anything or anybody because I never wanted the pain of disappointment, rejection or longing for someone else. Protecting my heart became first instinct to surviving in life. It sounds silly because yes I was only in high school (I'm so young to think I could be protecting my heart or so young to even try and find love) but something I’ve learned and am continuing to learn is that honestly love does not come with age, it comes with experience and it's welcome to all ages because everyone in life is searching for some form of love whether they realize it or not.
              It began to get worse after high school. Certain experiences in my life made me foreign to what love is, or what I thought was love. I soon built up a strong wall around my heart made with sarcasm, vain appearances and acceptance of things short term. Just when I couldn't imagine life being more complicated for me, of course it did. My world was spinning & my emotions were like a roller coaster constantly going up and down. Some days I thought I was getting better, others I felt like I was right back at where I started. Bad habits started to consume me and thoughts of confusion blurred my view. Many times I wondered if this was the way of life for rape victims. Constantly questioning and being afraid of my future. Not sure what kind of future I deserved? Or people I deserved to have in my life. Unsure of where I stood with my family, friends or faith. Consistency was harder than ever in all aspects of my life and getting past judgment was something I found myself struggling a lot with. Not just with caring what others thought, but mainly the thoughts I had about myself. It's crazy when you go from being so confident about the person you are and then losing it all and wondering how to get back to the person you use to be. I know my family could see the difference the past year had made on me & my heart ached not only for them, but also because I was really unsure of how to become the "Kauri" they knew and loved, but in reality I was really just unsure of how to accept myself and all the new challenges the past year had brought me.

     This quote probably sounds really REALLY cheesy and what I'm about to write might also be super cliché and dumb, but to be honest, it's exactly how I've been feeling the last couple of months and with my whole heart everything I say is true. So just be prepared to want to roll your eyes or laugh at me, but when it happens to you at whatever point in your life then you'll be able to rejoice with me because you know you've finally felt the same way or maybe you already have.

    "She had loved him because he had brought her back to life. She had been like a caterpillar in a cocoon, and he had drawn her out and shown her she was a butterfly" -Ken Follett

        He was the answer to my prayers. Not just but 6 days before I laid awake crying on my bedroom floor pleading with God to forgive, help, strengthen and comfort me. I remember asking Him to give me a reason to want to stay on earth and then no later than 6 days passed I met HIM and my life really did change. I didn't see it at first & to be honest I wasn't looking for anything. When I said a prayer asking God for help I didn't even realize that this boy was the answer to my prayers, but now looking back I can see it all. God truly does work in mysterious ways. Just when we think life is ruined and over, God pulls us off our high horse and shows us His sincere and true love. Just take a deep breath and trust His plan, after all we can't change our situation, but we can always change how we react to it, it's all in the Lords timing. This boy is my defining moment.

     I didn't think much after our first date, to be honest, at the end of it I remember thinking that he was a cute kid, but he seemed to be just like all the other guys I was dating at the time, but I continued talking to him. It couldn't hurt to have more friends right? However, as time went on he started to surprise me. I began to see that he actually wasn't like the other guys. It wasn't just a "booty-call". He opened my door and he paid for everything. When he talked about his family or his mission it was sincere and he actually wanted and cared to know things about me. He actually listened to what I had to say & tried to remember my family's names.
         He put me in my place a lot. Not in a bad way, but he wasn't afraid to challenge me and I found that I liked that the most about him. I felt like guys were always telling me what they think I wanted to hear or what would make me give them what they wanted, but HE was different. He caught onto my sarcasm and threw it back in my face. At first I was kind of shocked, but then it just made me more attracted to him because I found someone I could joke around with, I found someone that I could be my true self around, but most importantly someone who challenged me to be my best self.
              He's humbled me in many different ways. Showed me that my point of views in life aren't all that mattered (I'm very stubborn believe it or not) and that there was more to life than what others thought of me on social media. He makes me feel beautiful with no makeup on and helps me accept my skin color and body for how it is. I've always struggled with loving my physical appearance, but he once told me "that's how Heavenly Father made you & you're great the way you are." I always knew things like that, but he made me actually believe it for myself. He says these small and simple things that are so big and significant to me.
     People say be with someone who brings out your best self & over this short period of time that I have known him, that's constantly all that he has done for me. He's the first guy I've ever cried in front of, where my tears made a print on his shirt because he held me closely when I told him deep and personal things and he didn't leave or get scared, he held me tightly and reassured me that everything would be okay. He tells me how amazing I am and how much I mean to him, he makes me feel important and special. He sings and dances crazy with me in the car and he listens to all my dumb jokes. He asks to go places with me like he actually wants to be where I am and he randomly picks me up to go eat or suggest fun places we should go. He knows I don't like pickles on my sandwiches & that my favorite drink is root beer. He helps me work through my weaknesses; he's more than an ear that listens, but he's a man who acts and helps me solve my problems. He isn't afraid to cuddle me in front of my roommates or embarrassed of me to meet his friends. He holds my hand at church and hugs me out in public. He's the only person I've ever told my "dark" secrets to that I would never want anyone knowing about me; he accepts them and realizes that those things are just a part of what makes me, ME. He is the least judgmental person I have ever met. He's the only person that makes me so mad sometimes I want to wring my hands around his neck, but kiss his face at the same time because honestly I can never stay mad at him for very long. He's goofy and quirky and has things about him that have surprised me and opened my eyes to try and accept new things. He's a busy college athlete, but something that completely amazes me, is that no matter how busy he is, he always tries to find ways to see me or let me know he's thinking of me. He doesn't give me an excuse or lie, he's honest and reliant. Something no man figure has ever been for me in my life before.

     I'm completely taken back by everything one person can be for someone else. I'm constantly amazed at his service and love for his family and friends & how much he really cares about my own as well. He has such a big heart and he never ceases to amaze me with his acts of kindness he does for so many of his peers. In the beginning of being with him, I got nervous and scared, is this too good to be true? Is this real life? Or thoughts of doubt crept in my mind, when is he going to leave? When is he going to find someone he thinks is better?  I held back on giving my whole heart at first and there was a moment where I pushed him away hoping to cause less pain for myself in the future, but once again he pushed my walls away and refused to let go when all I did was push. He marched into my room, took my face in his hands and told me he loved me. He couldn't lose me. I knew right there and then despite how hard I tried to hold my heart back, when I am with him ….I can't.

   I am 100% madly in love with this boy. If you were to ask me a year ago if I could ever be in love so young I would've laughed in your face and told you "heck no! No one can know they're in love that young" but today I can tell you, I stand corrected. I have learned that in order to experience the best in life you have to be willing to be vulnerable. To open your heart and give it all you've got in something and risking that it may be broken or hurt one day. If I want to experience true happiness I need to not only love others but be able to BE loved. To let the walls I built up around my heart fall down and be open to new experiences my heart used to be afraid of. The thing is, this boy isn't perfect. I know I've made him sound like he's perfect, but trust me, just like you and me he has his imperfections as well. We are in no means the "perfect" couple, but guess what? The perfect couple doesn't exist. Like that quote above in the beginning of my essay says "you won't find the perfect person, but you'll find the right person once you realize you don't have to be the same". There are things I struggle with he doesn't. There are things I'm stronger in that he is weaker and there are many things that we both struggle with that are the same. We are far from problem-less people. But the difference is, we are willing to work together to help each other become better and stronger. We have lots of things to work on & I'm learning it's so much easier said then that done. But I know that I love him more than my temptations or weaknesses and that I will strive to help make us stronger in any aspect of life, because I care so much about him. People ask me if I know if I will marry this boy. No, in fact I don't know that. Could I see myself marrying him? Of course. But am I ready right now for anything of that such? I’m not 100% sure. Does that mean I don't love him? No, not at all, in fact I love him more and more every day, but being in love doesn't mean you need to marry someone right away. People rush life and sometimes forget that there is still so much to work on and so much of our lives being waited to explore. I don’t want to rush anything because I’m learning that to be happy in life, you can’t stress the future, just live each day as it comes and enjoy living in the moment. I'm learning that I can't be nervous or worry about what will happen next, but I need to first love God and put Him first and enjoy every day as it comes. To not worry about what will happen tomorrow but enjoy the adventures and memories as they come. The difference between how I "love" now compared to with other guys in the past is that I'm loving without limits and that this time my love is reciprocated and just as sincere back.  I'm learning that true love is not physical. That it's hard work, lots of communication and acceptance of both mine and his quirks. It's being willing to open my heart to him and know that it might get hurt. Accepting that we may not have a for sure set future, but we can enjoy what we have right now in the moment and work on life skills to make us better people. I'm learning that relationships take serious work & you have to learn to be able to balance all aspects of your life. You have to also understand that if you want true and real love, you HAVE to HAVE to put God first. That someone who really loves you back won't make you lower your standards or goals in life to be with them.

     Before meeting this boy, I was just a girl who wanted so badly to be whole again, but was unsure how I ever could be after I was raped. I tried healing in different ways but it seemed that nothing was really working until I started to put God first and was blessed beyond measures with this special boy. This boy loved me unconditionally despite my imperfections. He showed me how good life really can be and how much love and joy God had for me. Of course we've had our struggles here and there, but he's also made me realize that you work together on the hard parts and that way it's 10x better to enjoy the good parts. I'm loving that I have someone who rejoices with me in my accomplishments but also someone who mourns and can comfort me when I fail in things as well. I'm learning that my own needs don't matter as much & that I love finding any way I can help him. I seriously feel like a better person by knowing him and you can ask my family, I am the happiest I have ever been. He has helped me find the "Kauri" I was looking for by just showing me how to accept myself. What greater kind of love is there than that? Someone who doesn't take away from me, but helps me improve in both my spiritual, mental and emotional health.
      
        I'm a lot to handle. I'm loud, outspoken, and always wanting to be the center of attention. (Sometimes this is not on purpose, it's just a part of my personality) But guess what?!?! He STILL likes me. One of my all-time favorite quotes from Thomas S. Monson is "Of this be sure. You do not find the happy life, you make it". This amazing and sweet boy has become my favorite time consumer. Someone I want to be around constantly! He's my favorite case of laughter and the only thing I ever want keeping me warm when I'm cold. He's my go-to when I have a bad day and the best thought I have when I'm sad or need to get through a long school or work day. Someone I want helping me make decisions and someone I find myself willing to give up anything for just to support and make sure he knows how important and loved he is. He's my favorite face to post on social media and my favorite thing to dream about. We can have huge plans and have a great weekend, or spend all day eating cereal and watching Netflix. As long as I spend it with him, I am truly happy. He's the only person I'll be willing to share my family with and so far he's the only guy my family actually has liked as well ;) So now I do understand the girl in the movies who goes back and loves the dumb boy when no one in the audience understands. Or the couples who kiss and hold hands in public and the people that give up their jobs and sacrifice their money and time for someone else, I finally understand what it's all about; true love.

So what has been my defining moment in my life thus far?

A defining moment in the Webster dictionary is stated as; a point at which the essential nature or character of a person, group, etc., is revealed or identified.


    My defining moment was not any of my hard trials I've been through or a huge sad story about how I experienced how unfair life was. In fact it's kind of the complete opposite. It was an experience of hope and light and being able to see the light of Christ in someone else. Someone who appreciates my goals and dreams and accepts I'm crazy about fashion, but that there's far more to me than just looks and a social status. Sincerely, I would have to say, my defining moment in my life thus far was when I got lost in meeting HIM. The kind of lost that's exactly like being found. As cheesy as it sounds, he really did "pull" me out of my cocoon and show me my real worth. I am a "butterfly" and I always have been. He sees real beauty within me and makes me the happiest girl on this planet. I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity to cross paths with such an amazing guy. No matter where our futures take us, he will always be the boy who changed my life for the better and showed me how to love.
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My Story

5/26/2015

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I have always been an optimist, it’s the way I choose to view life. I like to feel good and I like to help others feel and see good in themselves as well. Smiling, teasing, and laughing with my family and friends is something I enjoy most about this life. This attribute was definitely a gift from God, for this optimism has helped me conquer many hard things in this life. Heavenly Father obviously knew what I would be going through and He gave me this blessing in disguise that I have been able to use to help me through hard times.

I think back to the time I was 5 and I hadn’t quite understood that my Mom remarried. Our father at that time had left our family for our nanny. I just remember being excited that I had a new father and that we got to move to a new home. When I was 15 I was involved in a roll-over car accident. I was life-flighted to Primary Children’s Hospital where they diagnosed me with Pancreatitis and I found out my dear friend had passed away in that accident. The blame on myself, the physical pain I felt (that still continues today) and the heartache that wrenched within me was very difficult to handle, but I remember holding fast to the Gospel. Being blessed with a high spirit, I grew from that experience and was able to see the light in such a dark time. I accepted what happened and earnestly tried looking for the good, even when as a young teenager, it was the hardest thing that had ever happened to me thus far. Towards the end of my Junior Year in High School I remember getting ready for a date in my parents bathroom when, my Dad I grew up with, walked in and started throwing all of his belongings in a suit case. He said he couldn’t do it anymore and he was leaving. I remember following him around the house as he started gathering up all of his stuff crying, begging him to stop and stay. I ran to my brother, Jarom sleeping on the couch, grabbing him to tell him about our Dad. My brother didn’t want me to see my Dad leave anymore so he put me in my room, closed the door and had me talk to my other older brother on the phone while he tried to stop my Dad. I remember hyperventilating so badly that my brother on the phone made me say a prayer with him so he knew I wouldn’t pass out and that everything would be okay. When my Dad was gone Jarom came into my room, picked me up and held me tightly in his arms and together we cried. He kept whispering in my ear “Don’t let this tear our family apart, that’s what Satan wants”. My heart was racing so fast from my hard crying that my brother held me until our heart beats match up. I will never forget the love my brother had for me that night, but also the love Christ had for both of us. In such a difficult time, my family had never been stronger. My testimony of having a loving Heavenly Father who loved me grew over the next year as I made it through my Sr. year and prepared for college.

My first semester of college I attended BYU-Hawaii. I was extremely excited to attend a school that I felt like not only had culture, but was beautiful as well. I left for college a couple weeks earlier then the normal freshman would have to be able to find a job before the rush of students came. I packed my bags, said good bye to my family and began this whole new chapter of my life. Immediately stepping off the plane I felt this rush of excitement and peace like I knew this is where I was supposed to be and I couldn’t wait to begin the future I had planned out for myself! I was going to get a job dancing in the night show at the PCC, I grew up Polynesian dancing and it was always a dream of mine to dance there for school. I knew I was going to study Psychology. I got TBI from my car accident & I struggled with recovering over the last couple of years. I wanted to go into Psychology to become a therapist who helped struggling kids just like the one who helped me. I planned on going on a mission after my first year and then after my mission I had wanted to finish school back at BYU-H, get my masters at the U and then eventually get married. That was the plan. That’s what I felt determined to accomplish.

Within the first two weeks I was there I met lots of amazing people both on and off campus. I didn’t really know anybody when I first got to Hawaii and so I did lots of things on my own. I am a very independent person and I love time to myself, also meeting new people excites me, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to go off and venture alone. One day while at a local beach by myself I met a guy and we began talking. Instantly we hit it off and became friends. He invited me to do things with him and we grew close.  One particular night he picked me up to go to a party. He isn’t LDS and on the drive there we discussed the fact I was, we talked about my standards and we began arguing a little about a certain conflict. He became really upset and we didn’t talk the rest of the drive. Later that night at the party he pulled me aside and we began discussing the same argument we hadn’t finished earlier. I told him no multiple times on a certain issue and he left me alone mad. The party was getting pretty rowdy with lots of drunk people and so I left and walked to the lower part of the beach to be by myself.

I sat down in the sand, put my head down by my knees and began crying. Someone I came to have strong feelings for was angry with me because I wouldn’t give him something I wasn’t comfortable with. I felt stupid for not dating someone within my church standards, it might have been easier to deal with if we both understood why we didn’t do certain things. All I wanted to do was leave the BBQ and go back to my dorm.

 A couple minutes later I heard someone yelling from behind me. It was one of his drunk buddies that I had met once or twice at a couple of things, but I didn’t know him well. He was very drunk and I couldn’t quite make out his face at first because it was darker in the night. He hopped down the rocks and came at me quickly. I was very confused because even if he was drunk, surely he would still have seen me. Well I wasn’t wrong, he for sure saw me. He knew I was down there by myself, because he knew me and his friend just had another argument about the same thing and it was as if he was trying to defend his buddy for him. He seemed to be breathing heavier as he approached me and I stood up really confused as he was mocking me about something, but I couldn’t quite make out what he was trying to say. Out of nowhere he grabbed my hair and yanked it. I was confused and caught off guard as I fell to the ground and he pushed my body deeper into the sand. It took me a minute to process what was happening, what was going on? I had just been crying to myself and the next minute I was being thrown into the sand with this freak drunk on top of me and then it clicked what was happening.

I froze, it was like my whole body just broke, someone caught off my oxygen and I couldn’t breathe. My shorts were being pulled off and he was forcing himself on me. I couldn’t move. I didn’t fight. I did nothing. I couldn’t, my body wouldn’t respond. I literally couldn’t move a muscle. I automatically went numb. I was so scared and unsure if this was actually happening and I didn’t know what to do. I remember it was like a waterfall of tears were streaming down my face, but I didn’t scream, I just sobbed, it was just like tears coming out of my eyes and I remember hurting really bad, but it was like I wasn’t connecting with my body to move. I have never experienced fear like this in my whole entire life. I just remember this dark figure over me and pain shooting to my brain, but I was like a dead body that didn’t move. I’m not sure if I was even breathing, or even alive when it happened, I was so shocked with fear. I’m not even sure how long I laid there in the sand afterwards. I was terrified to move, to get up, to walk. Was he in the trees waiting again? I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared. It all just seemed so unrealistic, just a blur of clouded fear. Eventually my tears stopped and I felt like from that moment on so did my whole world.

I don’t remember when I finally made my way back to Laie and my dorm, but I remember laying in my bed and staring at the light bulb above my head in the ceiling. I stared at it for a couple of hours and I didn’t sleep. I didn’t do anything but lay there and stare. I couldn’t believe what had happened, I was so shocked. That night I decided to pretend it never happened. To not tell anyone and to never speak of it. Just pretend it didn’t happen. I put it in the back of my head and decided to pretend that everything was okay.

I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt humiliated and disgusting. I felt so unworthy, gross and worthless. I felt like I couldn’t even be a part of the church anymore, I can’t even begin to explain to you the kind of person I felt I was. Around this time too I got released from my calling, because our President was moving out of our ward, so I didn’t really have a reason to attend church anymore. Or that’s what I was telling myself. Slowly I began to stop reading my scriptures or saying my prayers. I felt so unworthy to read them. I just remember telling myself that I couldn’t let anyone know or find out.

Eventually I started acting out in weird ways that I didn’t even realize. Because no one knew what had happened and I didn’t want anyone finding out I tried my hardest to prove to my close friends and my family back at home that everything was normal with me. I started shopping lots! I felt like if I had better clothes and bought things I loved it would make me feel better about myself. I blew so much money out in Hawaii, it was ridiculous. I was trying so hard to seem normal to my friends, that I had no idea that my emotions from my rape were coming out in different ways. I argued more with my family over the phone and fought constantly with my best friend back at home. I became very immodest. Buying and wearing things I normally would have never even thought to purchase and justified it all in my head. I started sleeping through my classes and if I wasn’t sleeping through them I was constantly late. My eating became really weird, sometimes not eating at all. My pancreas was really acting up and I threw up 1-2 times a day from all my stress. I began mocking other girls and making fun of all the couples I saw on campus. I thought that if I could get as far away from the girl I used to be then the rape never happened. That’s what I kept feeding to my conscious at least. Before I knew it I was the furthest thing away from the person I used to be and because of that, I made some awful decisions and drew further away from Christ.

Christmas break came and I went home. My family found the new “Kauri” strange. I was constantly looking at myself in the mirror and making sure I looked my very best. I became very vain. I fought a lot with my Mom and became very distant from my family, they knew something was wrong. One day my sister and Mom began talking to me and I finally broke, they found out the truth. I had been sexually abused. Together we all cried.

 Immediately I met with my Bishop, saw a Dr. and got into counseling. It was all very hard for me to take in, talk about and admit. I am always looking for a quick fix and trying to prove to others that I am okay, that I can do things on my own. I struggled deeply with accepting the help my family tried to offer, I felt like they didn’t understand and that I was okay, that what happened wasn’t that big of a deal. I hardly ever cried or showed genuine sadness. I was just angry all the time. Fighting and trying to find the quick way to happiness. But I came to realize, I was wrong. I couldn’t heal on my own. Because I had held what happened to me in for so long, it was difficult to talk about it and accept that it wasn’t made up, it was real and it happened and I had to face and deal with it. A position I would have never imagined myself ever being in.

I knew the decision to not go back to BYU-Hawaii would be a tough one, but I never knew it would be as hard as it was. Obviously I was not mentally, physically or emotionally stable, but I longed for the experience that I had always dreamed of. Of going to school one year, a mission, going back and graduating and then getting married, none of that happened and that’ s not what I had planned. I once again dealt with all of this through anger and without God. I was mad my life wasn’t going the way I wanted it to. None of this was part of MY plan.

 When I didn’t return to school, I got many questions on why I didn’t go back, or what I was doing now in my life. I became very depressed. I wanted to yell at everyone when they asked me why I chose cold Utah over beautiful and warm Hawaii. No I’m not stupid, I would much rather be there!!! But I wasn’t. And I couldn’t tell anyone why. The road to recovery was harder than I ever thought. Not only physically, mentally and emotionally, but spiritually as well. I really struggled with knowing if my Savior really did love me. If he did, why would he let that happen to me after everything I had been through in life? I guess I thought that after my hard teenage years I automatically got a free pass of trials in life, but obviously that’s not how life works. I became very depressed and at times I didn’t even want to live anymore, to exist. The pain of depression is so real and deep, another experience I had never known until now. I began to accept that the road to recovery would take time and be very hard. There are no quick fixes.

PRESENT DAY

                It’s only been about eight months since I was sexually assaulted and so much has happened since then. I have had many ups and downs. Made some bad choices and suffered hard consequences for those actions. I have lost relationships with some people in my life and have gained stronger ones with others. I still suffer from depression, but am becoming stronger every day. My Mom has helped me see that along the road to recovery the only way I can do it is through and with Christ. I can’t do it alone and it won’t be the way that I want it to be. I not only need to accept that, but I also had to forgive myself before I could ever move forward. Something I struggle very much with, but am so grateful to have a loving Mom to keep picking me up when I want to stop and sit down.

 So this is what I have learned and this is what I’m trying to work on every day.

Just like anything in life, if you want to build something good, it will take time. I am someone who likes to fix things quick, I want things to be better fast and I always want things to go back to the way they were, but this is life. You won’t heal over one day, things won’t be like they always were and I never will be the same person I used to be. It’s a fact and first, to ever get better or to begin to get better I have to accept that. No I won’t be the same person I once was before, because so much has happened to me since then, but because so much has happened I can choose to become better than I was. To become stronger, braver and fight hard to prove to Satan he has no power over me. Yes things will take time, because in order to gain a testimony of Christ you have to take the time to build it every day. I have to read my scriptures again, say my prayers and try my hardest to be obedient to the Gospel. Will I be perfect all the time? Will I do this every day? No. But the most important thing to Christ is that I never give up, that I continue to build even when it’s hard. Most importantly I have learned that in order to have faith in Christ and His atonement I have to believe in His will. I can’t set out for my own plan and be angry when it doesn’t turn out like I wanted it to be. I am learning to accept Gods plan for me every day. Every day I am working on things to become more like Him and have His spirit in my life. It takes sacrifice of things I used to do and be and it takes time and faith.

I love my family with all my heart and I have seen that the things I went through before Hawaii were given to me to grow and learn from so that they could help me for where I currently am in my life today. To remember how Christ pulled me out many times before and just because this trial was very new and different to me, didn’t mean He was going to leave me stranded. He was never waiting for me, He had been there with me the whole time. I have been the one waiting around, deciding whether or not to let Him help me.

The abandonment of both of my father’s used to make me feel insecure about myself and when I was sexually assaulted I also felt like that’s just how men were. They leave and take every part of you, feeling hopeless and not keeping their promises. But then I remember back to when my brother held me in his arms when I was crying and he showed me unconditional and true love. He showed me what a worthy Priesthood holder was like and that there were good guys out in the world. When my dear friend passed away, it taught me loss and how recovery takes time, but also how blaming myself for his death didn’t fix anything. I’m trying really hard every day to remind myself the rape was not my fault. But things like this are easier said, then done. Again, I’m working on it. I’m learning that although someone took my virginity away from me, through Christ I can be healed and become whole. It will take time, but one day I will be whole again and I will be able to share that special gift with someone who loves me. It’s funny how I had no idea why I went through certain trials before, but because I did go through so much I have been blessed and reminded of my Savior’s love for me now.

I know God lives. I know He really does look out for all of His children. I have realized that you don’t just convert to the church when you are 8 and are baptized, but that like anything in life, you have to work on your testimony every day. Consistently converting yourself to the Gospel and taking time for God. He does care, but you have to build that relationship with Him, you can’t expect one night of reading the scriptures to carry you throughout the rest of your life. We keep building His kingdom every day.

When you are in your deepest despairs, or depressed beyond measure. Pray to Him. Go to him. Just open a page of your scriptures and look upon his words he has written for YOU. Never give up on the hope of our Savior Jesus Christ. The one who understands the true intentions of our hearts and understands that the pain will be excruciating, but that we can do it and if we trust in His plan then He will comfort and heal us. Don’t worry, it’s something I’m still working on every day, something I’m still not 100% good at. But the Savior isn’t giving up on you, so you don’t give up on yourself either. It’s not about being saved by God’s Grace, but being changed by God’s Grace. Faith without works is dead, you have to put in work in order to be saved. I am changing and growing every day and with Christ I am changing and growing closer to Him. Day by day. Step by step. Don’t worry about how many times you’ve fallen, but how many times you are determined to get back up.

8 Comments

The Sacrifice of the Real MVP of my LIFE 

5/10/2015

2 Comments

 
People rise and fall based on how hard they work. Sacrifice comes along with the price of success or failure and it’s something we all experience in one way or another. The sacrifices one makes continuously after falling shows a great deal about their character and this truth of the matter comes down to who the person truly is and what values are important to them. As I have been thinking about my own life and where this significant and unique word stands to me I have come up with a couple definitions through research online and books I have been reading. After learning about other people’s view of the word, I reflected on my own life and came up with my own definition of true and complete sincere sacrifice; the act of giving up something good for something better is my mother, Laura Tye.

Although indeed it’s Mother’s Day and you’re all probably thinking “how sweet, she writes something nice and beautiful about her mother”, NO, this isn’t supposed to be nice and sweet, this is honest and it’s real and it’s something I’m not even sure my Mother would want anyone knowing, but it’s something I feel strongly about and I think she deserves to be recognized and known for who she truly is and the complete and amazing sacrifices she has made in her life.

It’s funny how sometimes I find myself mocking young girls getting married right after high school or after dating for such a short period of time, thinking to myself “goodness what a huge mistake”, but in reality I can’t, nor should anyone judge anybody’s view on love or determine when somebody is ready or not, because although it may seem young, great things come to pass with following your heart, especially if it’s In line with Gods as well. My mother was married straight out of high school, as an 18 year old she experienced so much at such a young age. From what I’ve observed and learned my mom has turned out to be an AMAZING woman, despite her upbringing and circumstances she has experienced. I admire her so much for that, I can’t even begin to tell you. By the time she was 21 my Mom was raising 3 small kids and her husband at the time, although I’ve heard he was an amazing father (at the time) holding a job was hard for him and she raised her kids on little to nothing. Despite losing cars and homes, my Mom never let us kids know there were hard times, she made the best of any situation and was always finding ways to provide for her kids. She made the clothes we wore, it was rare to have store bought clothes with her first couple of children. She walked to the store with young kids and her brand new baby just to be able to buy groceries, because they had no car and she had no one to babysit her children. She held a day care at her home while raising her own kids to be able to bring in extra income never failing to make sure her children’s needs were met, all along providing a stable foundation in our hearts that all things are possible through Christ. The endless stories I hear from my older siblings about their life growing up weren’t anything but happy and good times, my Mom provided those memories for them and I too have experienced the same.

My Childhood-

As many people know and if you don’t I’m sure you wonder why I look different from my mother, growing up I have always been asked silly questions or have gotten rude remarks based on my ethnicity compared to my mother’s. I mean it’s only natural for people who don’t understand to ask the funny/rude questions about adoption, my family is an expert at answering the questions back with great responses-humor. One time a girl on my little league soccer team asked my Mom why I was brown and she was white, I remember my Mom simply replaying with a serious tone, “when Kauri was a baby we dropped her in the oven and she got a little burnt” – I will never forget the facial expression on that little girls face, she looked terrified and I couldn’t help but burst out laughing! The answer to that simple question, I was adopted.

It’s funny how when people meet my mother they comment about what a great person she was for “saving” us brown kids. Just because some children are adopted from a different country, does NOT mean adopting us was out of pity or charity, my Mom has always taught me and made me feel loved just like every other child in my family. Just because I was adopted did not mean she loved me any less or more then my siblings, we were simply given to my Mom a different way. She always told us that we may not have grown in her tummy, but we grew in heart. Something that still sticks with me to this day.

People sometimes comment that she must have adopted because it was easier then childbirth, what an UNDERSTATMENT that is! If anyone knew the process of how my mom adopted my two brothers, little sister and I they would never make that comment to my Mom. God played an important and vital role in making sure we got to our Mother, it was in no way easy at all and you would be surprised at the outstanding spiritual stories my Mom has about getting us, needless to say, my Mom once again worked hard in attaining her children, we weren’t just given to her.

I know despite things I may have said to my friends growing up when I was venting as a teenager or things I sometimes think about my Mom sometimes when I’m angry, I can honestly say I know everything she has ever done was out of best interest for me, not only as her child, but as a person as well. You may wonder why telling you all those things about my Mom raising her kids was important to share, because yes EVERYBODY’s life is hard, raising kids isn’t easy, financial issues are never easy and neither are marriages, but because of the way my Mom chose to deal with the card she was played in life has truly made all the difference in my own life. This is what I have learned.

It doesn’t matter how you grow up, you can always choose the circumstances for how you want your life to end up, by the determination you have to make a better future, with or without help, if you want it badly enough, you won’t make excuses of money, support or education, you’ll find a way to make it possible. My mom did. When I was 5 years old, my father who basically raised my 4 older siblings, left my family. He was an amazing Dad (so my Mom had said) but after some time something went wrong and he left our family for our nanny and he literally disappeared from our lives. I have never heard from him, nor do I know much about him, only that someone left us for something he felt was better.  My parents got in a divorce and we moved to Salt Lake from St. George. My Mom took all the complaints, horrible comments from family members and close friends on how horrible divorce was, but nobody knew the pain and back story my Mom went through. Instead she didn’t fight for her reputation or pride, some of my Aunts mocked her for the divorce saying horrible things. My mom held her head high and continued to make the best of the situation. It was hard for me to understand how family and close friends could be so judgmental and hard towards my Mom, because if they really knew her they would’ve taken the time to understand the divorce is not what was wanted, the situation my Mom was put in is what made it happen, she was just doing the best she could for her kids, he chose to walk away and she protected her children.

My mother remarried and my Dad I grew up with came into our lives. I never understood their marriage and it’s not my place to, but it wasn’t easy for my Mom and yet for years I had no idea what she was going through, no one did, my Mom is above amazing, she is fearless. It’s crazy when I think back on her life and wonder why she stayed in certain situations or why she took the verbal abuse from others. It’s a simply answer, for her kids. She sacrificed her own needs and her own happiness in life for us. For me. It’s true what they say, that you can’t judge anybody or a situation if you haven’t personally lived through it yourself, although that’s very true we all still continue to do it, I mean we’re humans, but understanding my Mom is something very few people know how to do. It’s funny because although she is wonder woman, she is also hated for it at the same time, you have to actually know her and her past to be able to judge her, she’s been through literal hell and back and she has risen above it to prove the woman she is. (I’m still not sure she knows that yet)

My Jr year in HS, my father left our family. ( Second times the charm eh?!)  It was very traumatic for me and super hard to comprehend. How could two men leave the same children? Were we not enough to love for someone to stay? As we experienced moving from our home and the process of abandonment all over again, my Mom strengthened us and mourned for us. It never crossed my mind she was hurting too, two men had left her in her life time and hurt her kids. Despite this trial my Mom moved us towards God and help us see that we don’t need to search for a father, we would always have a Heavenly Father who loved us and her. My mom’s love and devotion is something that will always carry me through life.

 She has always been constant. She has never left or given up on life even when it pushes her to the limits. She has sacrificed her pride and self-worth literally for her children wanting them to have everything she never did. Countless times in High School she would give us kids her own personal stash of money so we could just go out and be normal like our friends and get lunch, she sacrificed her sleeping time never going to sleep until all her kids were home for the night. In High School I won’t lie, I HATED IT! But that’s just the kind of mother she is, always looking out for her kids making sure they were safe and she seriously wouldn’t go to bed until we had gotten home! She has gone to ALL of our sporting and school events, never missing any, also as siblings she made us go too, we learned hard work and how to be supportive from her. Our testimonies in the gospel have grown to amazing amounts, because there was never a Monday we missed without having family night or family prayer, nor a morning without family scripture study or a vacation without spending Sunday’s at a random ward to make sure we had the sacrament. My mom is literally a spiritual giant! She sacrifices money for memories, creating the best with all of us kids and teaching us to interact with each other instead of just friends, and as siblings we have grown so much closer for that.

From the moment my mother became a Mom her life was dedicated to us kids. The amazing people we have become, though we sometimes forget it, is all because of our mother. With 9 beautiful kids and others waiting up in heaven, my Mom has been the #1 most constant thing in our lives, more importantly, mine. My Mom is more than amazing, she is unbelievably outstanding. When my father left when I was in High School, she took the crazy outburst from us kids left at home and stayed with us no matter how hard we pushed away. Because both fathers left, they didn’t understand the literal hell my Mom went through as her kids hurt in different ways and she was stuck to take care of the mess they left behind. I recall experiencing the pain of abandonment from my father in a horrible way and my Mom took my hardship and loved me despite the horrible things I said and did, something I will never be able to repay her back for.

To say the least, my mother has raised 9 beautiful kids in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and has managed to provide both parent roles for all of us. Sometimes I think she loves us too much that it’s a little much to handle, but I would take her constant love over no love anytime! My favorite memories of her tucking us in as kid and singing the “Christopher Robin” song are so special to me or when I would have growing pains and she would sneak in my room and rub my legs until I went quit crying and went back to sleep are memories of pure love and sacrifice from my mother and I will never forget them. My Mom is amazing, beyond amazing she is the literal rock for who I am and I physically wouldn’t even be where I am today without her. Mom you deserve it all, you deserve so much for the service you have provided for us as kids in this life. I am literally the person I am today because of you and I wouldn’t trade any hardships I learned along the way. You have loved us unconditionally and supported us through everything we’ve done. In the words of Kevin Durrant, you are the real MVP mamma. We don’t need a papa, when we have the best mamma around town. Love you beyond any words could explain! Happy Mothers Day to the greatest woman around <3

2 Comments

LOVE

2/28/2015

3 Comments

 
A few days ago classmates were discussing how a young girl who they knew was pregnant & had decided to give her child up for adoption. They gossiped about how selfish it was. It was the girls fault for getting pregnant & she shouldn't just "pass" the child along to someone else to take care of. They talked the whole hr about how the mother of the child didn't love the baby by giving her up & how sad it was for the child. I went home that day so sad & heart broken, was that the way my birth mother thought of me? Did she not love me?

I met a young girl a few days later who had just given her child up 6 months ago. It was the hardest decision of her life, she loved her baby girl SO much, but she knew the baby deserved a better life that she couldn't provide. She weighed her options of keeping her baby, but deep down inside she knew her baby girl was meant for a different life. A young family who wasn't able to have children had been praying for a child & as hard as it was to leave the hospital empty handed, she knew her baby girl would be loved & given a better life then she could offer at the time.  Did that mean she didn't love her child? Absolutely not. In fact she loved her more then ever, her love was portrayed in the most unselfish way, she gave her baby up for a better life, giving up her personal wants.

I cried at hearing this story. I never thought about the pain a mother goes through giving up their own child after carrying them for 9 months. That attachment that grows inside your stomach, because you created a life and you went around carrying that baby for more then 1/2 a year is a bond that you can't even comprehend. When the baby is inside of you it's easier to make the decision to place your baby, but when your child is actually born and you see the beautiful creation you made, your heart drops, you love that baby so much, how could you give her up now? You can actually hold and feel the baby and the connection is so real, it's a deep love that you've never experienced before.

When I heard the thoughts of the way this mother felt, my heart stung a little, as I thought about a love I never quite thought about before. How could anyone think that's selfish? It was true love. 
People question my ethnicity all the time or ask me if it's hard knowing I was "given" up as a baby. An adult once told me it must be weird for me to be adopted since "It's very uncommon in the Polynesian culture to give up family". Well whatever is "uncommon" these days, I truly am thankful to my birth Mother for giving me the life I live. I am healthy and fit, I have been given amazing education opportunities to actually fulfill my dream of becoming a fashion stylist. I have a beautiful big family who loves and supports me and friends who I will cherish for a life time. I truly live a beautiful, successful life and why do I? Because 18 years ago, a young girl decided that she loved me so much she gave me up for a better chance at life. Is that to say my life wouldn't be happy in the Islands of Samoa? No. But she knew that the happiness she wanted me to have, she couldn't provide. That act of unselfishness is something I want to portray in my life. What an amazing attribute and example of love. It's a beautiful kind of love that has literally made me the person I am today. S/O to those strong Mothers we don't recognize that also make great sacrifices for their kids -no matter what anyone tells me, I will continue to believe it is true love to make a decision like that.
3 Comments

Playing with the Ocean

1/26/2015

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One of the greatest gifts God has given us is emotion, to feel something so deep our thoughts impact our hearts. We feel great pain with heaviness at times, and we cry tears that seem never ending. Sometimes we feel so full of joy, it's hard to comprehend life could ever be so good. Emotion plays a huge part in our lives, good or bad, we all experience this hammer to our heart. 
A hammer is known to be a tool of building or taking apart. It helps destroy or fix to build something better, but there's a trick to this simple yet significant tool, the beholder is the one who gets to decide the outcome. 

It works this way in life as well, we determine what will break or fix us , not the situation or problem itself at hand, but inside our deep desperation of hopelessness and confused thoughts, we will always have the decision on what we let define us. Do we give up and let the hammer destroy? Or do we decide to realize that with time and sincere faith for a better outcome, we have to continue to build a better creation no matter how difficult it may be at the time. Beautiful things aren't just built in one day, but through the best teacher, the best creator, if we listen closely and really pay attention close to what he's trying to teach us, we can fix what was once broken and create something new, something better, something to feel good and at peace with. Sometimes it's as simple as building something to have hope in.

My first semester in college I lived in Hawaii, attending Brigham Young University. I had so many hopes and dreams of accomplishing and becoming something great. I had the love and support from all of my family and friends. Everyone that knew me personally was routing for me and was so excited for this brand new adventure I was setting out on. I felt so confident in the person I was and what I was setting out to become. 
     With time things began to change not only around me, but within me as well. Being out there by myself I experienced adversity I had never known before, I didn't understand what I thought was love and I had never felt so insecure about myself and yet to everyone who knew me I was living an absolute dream that people couldn't even comprehend! Even when I was in a car accident and had lost a dear close friend or the night when my father left my family, those huge trials seemed nothing compared to what was happening to me then and yet it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. 

     One night me and a friend went to eat out at 7 Brothers, as we walked in I noticed two sister missionaries, one of them I knew I recognized from social media and I got so excited that I wanted to meet her! I finally got the courage to talk to her and make my little "fan debut" and I made my way over to her and her companions direction. Immediately  within minutes of just talking to them I felt peace I hadn't felt in a long time. We started talking about reasons why they chose to serve. Time ran out and we decided to meet up another time to talk more. As they walked away it dawned on me why I felt I was struggling so much in life recently. I had lost the light of Christ. In the midst of trying to find who I was I had lost sight and left what really did make me the happy person I usually was. I was trying to find happiness on my own, without anybody's help and going off of what I saw the world enjoy as happiness, but all along I was missing the main piece of me that really made me who I was- Christ.

Where the ocean meets the land our shoreline resides. Waves that are constantly rolling in, touching the sand and then going back into the ocean. Back and forth all day, the shoreline wades, despite harsh winds, stormy days or perfect warm sunshiny weather, the shoreline will be found. You can't take away the shoreline without the ocean and together they create beautiful islands that people pay thousands of dollars to vacation every year. This beautiful creation put together brings people all over the world true beauty and peace. The soft sand, the cool waves coming in and out and the peaceful sounds of the ocean. 

It was an late October evening and I sat on the beach watching the sun go down as soft tears poured down my face and gently fell to the ground. I watched as they were soaked up by the sand, dissolving instantly like I hadn't even been crying. I thought deeply about the choices I had made the past couple of months. I thought about the people I encountered, the places I went and the experiences I now possessed that were engraved deeply in my mind. In ways I loved the lessons I learned, but some of them hit me harshly, because I knew I could have avoided them. There are things in life everyone needs and should experience, but when you let stupidity take over your judgment, because you give in to a temporary moment, you feel betrayed and it hurts worse in my opinion. I was deceived and played and my young heart didn't understand. Slowly the impact of my choices caught up with me and my emotions began to mix together. I was a complete mess.
   My grades were slipping and I kept sleeping through my morning classes. I quit praying to God, because I felt like I had to prove I could do things on my own, that I could fix these problems without anybody's help and then when I got my life back in order, when life was good again, I could continue to pray to God. I think at the moment I was trying to show him that I hadn't lost my testimony, but in reality, I was losing it by avoiding him. Without my daily prayers and scripture study my life was truly falling apart. I was fighting with my family who were miles away and money was becoming a bigger issue for me, I was not good with financing money! Life just seemed to be slipping through my fingers and I didn't have enough hands to catch myself- I was lost.

     Sitting there on the sand I thought back to the sister missionaries that brought me the peace I had been searching for the past couple of months. I was so ashamed that I could forget my Savior after the amazing opportunities he had given me, I would never be where I was in life without His constant love and devotion for me. I glanced down at the beach and realized where I wanted to be- standing on the shoreline. I slipped off my sandals and walked slowly to the ocean, to the edge of the water as it met the land. I knew then what I really wanted in life and where my true happiness would be found-barefoot on the shoreline.
     The shoreline was where my Savior, Jesus Christ had been all along. Constant and always there no matter what type of weather. My Heavenly Father letting his son reach the shore to all who would come and enjoy the great gift he brought. Without the ocean there is no shoreline, my father in Heaven was the ocean. I decided I didn't like this "one foot in the door - one foot out the door" lifestyle. I needed to dive right in with both feet into the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Dedicating my whole heart to him and making the necessary changes in my life to be near Him, no matter how difficult the decision was going to be. I needed to take off my sandals and walk along side him, leave my sins behind and move forward in His constant all loving grace, it was time to walk along the shore. 
    Despite the situation you are in or the way you may be feeling at any given moment, happy or sad, you always have the choice to what you let defines you. Life isn't about figuring out who you are, life is about creating yourself! You always have the chance to build your life the way you want it to be! Through every storm, there really is true light. You just have to hold on and let the storm pass to see it. The Savior has been true hope and divine peace for me. I may be paying for consequences now, based on choices I made in the past, but how I'm choosing to move forward and let the Savior come upon the sand to help clean my slate off is all that matters to Him and me. I'm focusing on building a better me and I have already seen huge blessings and love from both my Savior and family as I've put my life back in His hands. 
   Every day we are faced with problems, it's just a part of life that everybody goes through! Hectic day to day situations, family drama, loss of loved ones, financial situations or simply finding out what really makes us happy. Through the Savior I know that it's never too late for enjoyment and peace. Life is meant to be enjoyed! Not just endured. We can be happy NOW, even during the hard times, we just have to choose to want to seek the happiness! Life is a beautiful thing, everything we go through creates our story. I'm not perfect and I never will be, but by continuing to never give up despite my shortcomings is all the Savior asks. Sincerely I love my life! My crazy family, the trials I've been through and the experiences I get to have truly are a blessing. Life sure is complicated, if anyone figures it out please let me know!! As for now I'm taking baby steps to a better and happier me. You can find me at barefoot at the shoreline :)

                                                                                   HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE
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    "Experience is a dangerous teacher---but you learn" -C.S Lewis

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