My Defining Moment

 
"Commitment is not the act of losing your freedom; but exercising it to choose who you want to give your most valuable gifts to;

Your time, your emotions, and your heart.

Sorry, you'll never find the perfect person. But, you will find the right person, once you realize that the two of you don't have to be the same. "

    My defining moment -

           I never quite understood the "mushy" post, the gross PDA, the giving up of ALL your spare time for that "significant" other. Or the part in the movies where the girl goes back to the dumb guy & everyone in the audience is thinking how stupid she is. I've never been one to actually be open to a real relationship or having to depend on someone else. In high school I was constantly liking someone I knew would never like me back just because that way I knew the outcome, I knew what I was getting into. I was sure of the future and I didn't have to worry about what would happen next. Or I dated a guy I didn't really like so it made for an easy good bye. I never truly gave my heart to anything or anybody because I never wanted the pain of disappointment, rejection or longing for someone else. Protecting my heart became first instinct to surviving in life. It sounds silly because yes I was only in high school (I'm so young to think I could be protecting my heart or so young to even try and find love) but something I’ve learned and am continuing to learn is that honestly love does not come with age, it comes with experience and it's welcome to all ages because everyone in life is searching for some form of love whether they realize it or not.
              It began to get worse after high school. Certain experiences in my life made me foreign to what love is, or what I thought was love. I soon built up a strong wall around my heart made with sarcasm, vain appearances and acceptance of things short term. Just when I couldn't imagine life being more complicated for me, of course it did. My world was spinning & my emotions were like a roller coaster constantly going up and down. Some days I thought I was getting better, others I felt like I was right back at where I started. Bad habits started to consume me and thoughts of confusion blurred my view. Many times I wondered if this was the way of life for rape victims. Constantly questioning and being afraid of my future. Not sure what kind of future I deserved? Or people I deserved to have in my life. Unsure of where I stood with my family, friends or faith. Consistency was harder than ever in all aspects of my life and getting past judgment was something I found myself struggling a lot with. Not just with caring what others thought, but mainly the thoughts I had about myself. It's crazy when you go from being so confident about the person you are and then losing it all and wondering how to get back to the person you use to be. I know my family could see the difference the past year had made on me & my heart ached not only for them, but also because I was really unsure of how to become the "Kauri" they knew and loved, but in reality I was really just unsure of how to accept myself and all the new challenges the past year had brought me.

     This quote probably sounds really REALLY cheesy and what I'm about to write might also be super cliché and dumb, but to be honest, it's exactly how I've been feeling the last couple of months and with my whole heart everything I say is true. So just be prepared to want to roll your eyes or laugh at me, but when it happens to you at whatever point in your life then you'll be able to rejoice with me because you know you've finally felt the same way or maybe you already have.

    "She had loved him because he had brought her back to life. She had been like a caterpillar in a cocoon, and he had drawn her out and shown her she was a butterfly" -Ken Follett

        He was the answer to my prayers. Not just but 6 days before I laid awake crying on my bedroom floor pleading with God to forgive, help, strengthen and comfort me. I remember asking Him to give me a reason to want to stay on earth and then no later than 6 days passed I met HIM and my life really did change. I didn't see it at first & to be honest I wasn't looking for anything. When I said a prayer asking God for help I didn't even realize that this boy was the answer to my prayers, but now looking back I can see it all. God truly does work in mysterious ways. Just when we think life is ruined and over, God pulls us off our high horse and shows us His sincere and true love. Just take a deep breath and trust His plan, after all we can't change our situation, but we can always change how we react to it, it's all in the Lords timing. This boy is my defining moment.

     I didn't think much after our first date, to be honest, at the end of it I remember thinking that he was a cute kid, but he seemed to be just like all the other guys I was dating at the time, but I continued talking to him. It couldn't hurt to have more friends right? However, as time went on he started to surprise me. I began to see that he actually wasn't like the other guys. It wasn't just a "booty-call". He opened my door and he paid for everything. When he talked about his family or his mission it was sincere and he actually wanted and cared to know things about me. He actually listened to what I had to say & tried to remember my family's names.
         He put me in my place a lot. Not in a bad way, but he wasn't afraid to challenge me and I found that I liked that the most about him. I felt like guys were always telling me what they think I wanted to hear or what would make me give them what they wanted, but HE was different. He caught onto my sarcasm and threw it back in my face. At first I was kind of shocked, but then it just made me more attracted to him because I found someone I could joke around with, I found someone that I could be my true self around, but most importantly someone who challenged me to be my best self.
              He's humbled me in many different ways. Showed me that my point of views in life aren't all that mattered (I'm very stubborn believe it or not) and that there was more to life than what others thought of me on social media. He makes me feel beautiful with no makeup on and helps me accept my skin color and body for how it is. I've always struggled with loving my physical appearance, but he once told me "that's how Heavenly Father made you & you're great the way you are." I always knew things like that, but he made me actually believe it for myself. He says these small and simple things that are so big and significant to me.
     People say be with someone who brings out your best self & over this short period of time that I have known him, that's constantly all that he has done for me. He's the first guy I've ever cried in front of, where my tears made a print on his shirt because he held me closely when I told him deep and personal things and he didn't leave or get scared, he held me tightly and reassured me that everything would be okay. He tells me how amazing I am and how much I mean to him, he makes me feel important and special. He sings and dances crazy with me in the car and he listens to all my dumb jokes. He asks to go places with me like he actually wants to be where I am and he randomly picks me up to go eat or suggest fun places we should go. He knows I don't like pickles on my sandwiches & that my favorite drink is root beer. He helps me work through my weaknesses; he's more than an ear that listens, but he's a man who acts and helps me solve my problems. He isn't afraid to cuddle me in front of my roommates or embarrassed of me to meet his friends. He holds my hand at church and hugs me out in public. He's the only person I've ever told my "dark" secrets to that I would never want anyone knowing about me; he accepts them and realizes that those things are just a part of what makes me, ME. He is the least judgmental person I have ever met. He's the only person that makes me so mad sometimes I want to wring my hands around his neck, but kiss his face at the same time because honestly I can never stay mad at him for very long. He's goofy and quirky and has things about him that have surprised me and opened my eyes to try and accept new things. He's a busy college athlete, but something that completely amazes me, is that no matter how busy he is, he always tries to find ways to see me or let me know he's thinking of me. He doesn't give me an excuse or lie, he's honest and reliant. Something no man figure has ever been for me in my life before.

     I'm completely taken back by everything one person can be for someone else. I'm constantly amazed at his service and love for his family and friends & how much he really cares about my own as well. He has such a big heart and he never ceases to amaze me with his acts of kindness he does for so many of his peers. In the beginning of being with him, I got nervous and scared, is this too good to be true? Is this real life? Or thoughts of doubt crept in my mind, when is he going to leave? When is he going to find someone he thinks is better?  I held back on giving my whole heart at first and there was a moment where I pushed him away hoping to cause less pain for myself in the future, but once again he pushed my walls away and refused to let go when all I did was push. He marched into my room, took my face in his hands and told me he loved me. He couldn't lose me. I knew right there and then despite how hard I tried to hold my heart back, when I am with him ….I can't.

   I am 100% madly in love with this boy. If you were to ask me a year ago if I could ever be in love so young I would've laughed in your face and told you "heck no! No one can know they're in love that young" but today I can tell you, I stand corrected. I have learned that in order to experience the best in life you have to be willing to be vulnerable. To open your heart and give it all you've got in something and risking that it may be broken or hurt one day. If I want to experience true happiness I need to not only love others but be able to BE loved. To let the walls I built up around my heart fall down and be open to new experiences my heart used to be afraid of. The thing is, this boy isn't perfect. I know I've made him sound like he's perfect, but trust me, just like you and me he has his imperfections as well. We are in no means the "perfect" couple, but guess what? The perfect couple doesn't exist. Like that quote above in the beginning of my essay says "you won't find the perfect person, but you'll find the right person once you realize you don't have to be the same". There are things I struggle with he doesn't. There are things I'm stronger in that he is weaker and there are many things that we both struggle with that are the same. We are far from problem-less people. But the difference is, we are willing to work together to help each other become better and stronger. We have lots of things to work on & I'm learning it's so much easier said then that done. But I know that I love him more than my temptations or weaknesses and that I will strive to help make us stronger in any aspect of life, because I care so much about him. People ask me if I know if I will marry this boy. No, in fact I don't know that. Could I see myself marrying him? Of course. But am I ready right now for anything of that such? I’m not 100% sure. Does that mean I don't love him? No, not at all, in fact I love him more and more every day, but being in love doesn't mean you need to marry someone right away. People rush life and sometimes forget that there is still so much to work on and so much of our lives being waited to explore. I don’t want to rush anything because I’m learning that to be happy in life, you can’t stress the future, just live each day as it comes and enjoy living in the moment. I'm learning that I can't be nervous or worry about what will happen next, but I need to first love God and put Him first and enjoy every day as it comes. To not worry about what will happen tomorrow but enjoy the adventures and memories as they come. The difference between how I "love" now compared to with other guys in the past is that I'm loving without limits and that this time my love is reciprocated and just as sincere back.  I'm learning that true love is not physical. That it's hard work, lots of communication and acceptance of both mine and his quirks. It's being willing to open my heart to him and know that it might get hurt. Accepting that we may not have a for sure set future, but we can enjoy what we have right now in the moment and work on life skills to make us better people. I'm learning that relationships take serious work & you have to learn to be able to balance all aspects of your life. You have to also understand that if you want true and real love, you HAVE to HAVE to put God first. That someone who really loves you back won't make you lower your standards or goals in life to be with them.

     Before meeting this boy, I was just a girl who wanted so badly to be whole again, but was unsure how I ever could be after I was raped. I tried healing in different ways but it seemed that nothing was really working until I started to put God first and was blessed beyond measures with this special boy. This boy loved me unconditionally despite my imperfections. He showed me how good life really can be and how much love and joy God had for me. Of course we've had our struggles here and there, but he's also made me realize that you work together on the hard parts and that way it's 10x better to enjoy the good parts. I'm loving that I have someone who rejoices with me in my accomplishments but also someone who mourns and can comfort me when I fail in things as well. I'm learning that my own needs don't matter as much & that I love finding any way I can help him. I seriously feel like a better person by knowing him and you can ask my family, I am the happiest I have ever been. He has helped me find the "Kauri" I was looking for by just showing me how to accept myself. What greater kind of love is there than that? Someone who doesn't take away from me, but helps me improve in both my spiritual, mental and emotional health.
      
        I'm a lot to handle. I'm loud, outspoken, and always wanting to be the center of attention. (Sometimes this is not on purpose, it's just a part of my personality) But guess what?!?! He STILL likes me. One of my all-time favorite quotes from Thomas S. Monson is "Of this be sure. You do not find the happy life, you make it". This amazing and sweet boy has become my favorite time consumer. Someone I want to be around constantly! He's my favorite case of laughter and the only thing I ever want keeping me warm when I'm cold. He's my go-to when I have a bad day and the best thought I have when I'm sad or need to get through a long school or work day. Someone I want helping me make decisions and someone I find myself willing to give up anything for just to support and make sure he knows how important and loved he is. He's my favorite face to post on social media and my favorite thing to dream about. We can have huge plans and have a great weekend, or spend all day eating cereal and watching Netflix. As long as I spend it with him, I am truly happy. He's the only person I'll be willing to share my family with and so far he's the only guy my family actually has liked as well ;) So now I do understand the girl in the movies who goes back and loves the dumb boy when no one in the audience understands. Or the couples who kiss and hold hands in public and the people that give up their jobs and sacrifice their money and time for someone else, I finally understand what it's all about; true love.

So what has been my defining moment in my life thus far?

A defining moment in the Webster dictionary is stated as; a point at which the essential nature or character of a person, group, etc., is revealed or identified.


    My defining moment was not any of my hard trials I've been through or a huge sad story about how I experienced how unfair life was. In fact it's kind of the complete opposite. It was an experience of hope and light and being able to see the light of Christ in someone else. Someone who appreciates my goals and dreams and accepts I'm crazy about fashion, but that there's far more to me than just looks and a social status. Sincerely, I would have to say, my defining moment in my life thus far was when I got lost in meeting HIM. The kind of lost that's exactly like being found. As cheesy as it sounds, he really did "pull" me out of my cocoon and show me my real worth. I am a "butterfly" and I always have been. He sees real beauty within me and makes me the happiest girl on this planet. I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity to cross paths with such an amazing guy. No matter where our futures take us, he will always be the boy who changed my life for the better and showed me how to love.